The media is talking a lot more about postpartum depression in men, but no one is really talking about it in the real world.
But it’s serious and real. About 10% of men develop depression after their kids are born, and it can be debilitating. Both for the dads and their families.
When a dad is depressed, he’s more likely to retreat to substance abuse or just becoming another recluse. That, in turn, affects the mom, and the new baby, and the family, and everybody. “No Man is an island” kind of stuff.
The Today Show has a great read on the phenomenon, and isolates one of the biggest reasons men don’t talk about it.
Fathers are less likely to be screened for postpartum mental illnesses or to seek treatment, experts say. Often, if men do speak up, they become the butt of jokes or are dismissed.
“It shouldn’t be belittled,” Fisher said. “We need to change the culture of what masculinity is and be more inclusive about why fathers’ experiences matter.”
In other words, it just sounds really weird for a guy to say, “I have postpartum depression.”
It feels like we’re butting in on women’s territory, or that we’re surrendering our masculinity.
When did a guy ever talk about himself and a partum-condition?
It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. And that’s a tragedy, because the strongest, most masculine thing a struggling guy can do is admit his weakness and get help.
Of course, we don’t have to say, “I have postpartum depression,” we could just say, instead, “I’ve been depressed since Olivia/Sophie/Isabella was born.”
But even that’s hard. We’re supposed to be thrilled, fulfilled, we’re supposed to post things on Facebook like, “More restaurants need diaper changing stations in the men’s restrooms!” and virtue signal that we really, really love the changing norms about what a dad is supposed to like to do.
The other thing that makes us shy away is that we feel women have a better excuse for postpartum — hormonal shifts.
But guess what, we have them too.
Studies show new dads get a bump in estrogen, oxytocin, prolactin and glucocorticoids, and also experience a decrease in testosterone.
But if someone is mocking us for being depressed during this time, it doesn’t help things to say, “Well, my hormones are changing.”
All of it is very strange for new dads, which is why we’d prefer to just stay silent and isolate and drug ourselves. But a chatty, happy man is better for a family than a strong, silent, and depressed man.
