Dr. Aliza Goldstein has an interesting piece at Psychology Today on a rarely discussed form of OCD.
It’s called “Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder” (ROCD), and is characterized by a person obsessively “questioning if they are in the ‘right’ relationship” and focusing “on their partner’s flaws and/or perceived incompatibilities.”
This isn’t just the standard, “Is this my eternal love?” kind of question that we all have, which usually answers itself “yes!” or “meh, nope” through time (read this piece on the difference).
It’s obsessive rumination and constant gauging to figure out if you are “sufficiently in love” with your partner.
Dr. Jonathan Abramowitz explains it this way to Healthline, “The senseless thoughts and doubts about the relationship don’t make sense to the person and they get upset that they’re thinking them. They might say, ‘if I love my partner, why would I have these thoughts? Maybe I don’t love them’.”
And then of course, people with ROCD start to look for “a guarantee that they are really in love.”
And, as with all other forms of OCD, it causes intense distress and disruption of their lives.
The International OCD Foundation notes that ROCD has been linked with mood, anxiety, or other OCD symptoms.
However, you can have OCD without having ROCD.
Dr. Jenna Feldman tells Bustle Magazine, “People with ROCD often have a catastrophic fear of regret” and that “perfectionism” and “intolerance of uncertainty” are common characteristics.
Interestingly, the International OCD Foundation notes that you can have “partner-focused” ROCD or “relationship-focused” OCD or both.
“Partner-focused” ROCD tends to obsess over whether the other person is the right one for a myriad of reasons.
“Relationship-focused” ROCD tends to obsess over whether the relationship itself is the right one.
Not only can these obsessions rob people of joy or satisfaction in a relationship, they can also cause considerable mental harm.
The International OCD Foundation notes:
Extreme beliefs about love may also make people with ROCD more vulnerable to negative relationship thoughts or emotions. Examples of such beliefs about love may include “If the relationship is not completely perfect, it is unlikely to be ‘true love’”, “If you doubt your love for your partner, it is likely it is not the ‘right’ relationship” and “If you don’t think about your partner all the time, s/he is probably not THE ONE.” Similar to other forms of OCD, beliefs about the importance of thoughts (e.g., “If I think about it, it must mean something”), difficulty with uncertainty, and an inflated sense of responsibility (e.g., failing to prevent disaster is as bad as causing it) may also increase sensitivity to ROCD.
And, people who have ROCD are often single for a very long time.
(Note: There’s nothing wrong, at all, with staying single. Single means freedom – every married person remembers that and sighs, at some point. But C.S. Lewis famously said that the “price of freedom is loneliness” and married folk often forget that).
But most people with ROCD don’t want to single, and so they feel intense distress both without a relationship and within one.
Dr. Owen Kelly notes that many of the thoughts surrounding ROCD are common in romantic relationships, but it only becomes ROCD when the obsessions and compulsions disrupt your life in a significant way.
If you feel you might have it (or better yet, if a friend suggests something, because friends often can see our OCD before we can), call a therapist for further evaluation.
Dr. Kelly says some potential causes of ROCD are changes in the brain, the loss of a loved one, trauma, difficulties in close relationships and more, and that treatment usually involves psychotherapy, medication, or both.
But as with most forms of OCD, Exposure and Response Prevention seems to work best, according to Dr. Abramowtiz.
Finally, the OCD Center of Los Angeles has a tremendously practical guide as you consider whether you have ROCD.
Included: Some of the most common, specific obsessions of those with ROCD — the “What if?” questions, the “Do I?” questions.
Also included: The common compulsions, which include avoidance and reassurance-seeking.
Also included: Its impact.
And of course: Treatment.
I have OCD but have never experienced ROCD.
When I’ve been in love, I’ve never wondered, “Is she the right person?” Doubts could never appear where she danced in my head.
But as I was reading about this kind of OCD, I started wondering about my relationship… with God.
Of course, ROCD usually centers on a romantic partner, and God isn’t that.
But I do sort of obsess over my relationship with God and ask many of these same questions.
“Is this the right God?” (The Angel of the Lord killed all the firstborn in Egypt. C’mon. That’s terribly hard to accept. Pastors duly note it’s in the context of the redemption of Israel. But still, c’mon, that’s brutally hard to accept. Couldn’t there have been another way?).
“Do I really love Christ? Or do I just love the idea of salvation?”
“Does Christ really love me? Let me run through all those verses again. Yes, he loves humans. But I wonder if it’s just others. Does he really love me?”
The poet William Cowper, who wrote many great hymns, famously believed that God’s love was for everyone….but him.
And we sometimes wonder that, too.
In fact, “sometimes” is too generous. “Often” is too easy. “Nearly always” is more like it.
Could it be that Christians with OCD might apply some kind of ROCD onto our relationship with Christ?
Of course, there’s no academic literature on that. Imagine trying to get a research grant for that.
But religious scrupulosity has some overlap here, and that’s been studied extensively.
I don’t want to venture too far out on this tree, particularly because I don’t want to confuse ROCD with scrupulosity.
And I don’t want to end a post on ROCD with something else.
But it’s something I’m going to consider in my own life.
Am I obsessed with doubts about my relationship with Christ to the point where it disrupts that relationship? Where it disrupts my life, robs me of my joy?
If so, it might be from my OCD.
SOME RESOURCES ON RELATIONSHIP OCD:
Psychology Today: “7 Ways to Stop Relationship OCD from Ruining Your Love Life”.
[Painting: So common it’s a cliche; so good it can never lose its wonder. The Kiss by Klimt].
And because I love this film and score so much, and Genevieve and Guy didn’t (at first) seem to have ROCD, I might as well use this post as a chance.
